twist of events

It's funny how much change can happen in a year - the good and the bad. I was scrolling back to my older posts and never did I expected certain things to happen since. I was dealing with the most unexpected and yet, heartbreaking incident from August to late October. I will never forget how much pain I was forced to put through, and how words and promises are conveniently forgotten when something unfortunate happen. On good days, it would be "I'll be here with you forever" but when something bad hits you, I had to walk the path alone bearing regrets and guilt; especially hating the part where I decided to love and trust since the last. I thought I would never say this this time but I was extremely wrong. This time, I fell harder and got more hurt than I ever remembered - thankfully with the mental support and encouragement from my friends, I managed to look ahead and start moving on with life slowly each day; well, at least trying to forget at least. December's ending and I still wouldn't say I've completely moved on. This damage is a huge scar, and I'm still so, so afraid to step out and open my heart once again. I've decided to focus on building up my career since I've finally graduated (yay! best news of the year) and achieve something for myself.

I thought this was bad enough, until I spent the last few moments at the hospital with my grandfather fighting till his very last breath last Sunday 2.30am. I thought it was bearable to deal with but hell no it's not in reality. Every single second was a time bomb, with the doctor coming in to tell us my grandfather won't last through the night. I held his hand and watched the heart rate monitor went from 96 to 88 to 70......... till it became a parallel line; I will never be able to explain the amount of pain I was feeling that night. It felt even more surreal when we had to see the coffin getting pushed in to be cremated; then it hit me I was never going to see my favourite gong gong ever again - the one who bought me a huge doll looking birthday cake when I was 1 year old, the one who bring me on cable car rides, the one who picks me up from kindergarten, the one who buys me the same breakfast set of milo and toasts just like how he likes it, the one who always dote on me more than ever.... even as I'm typing this, I'm fighting against my tears. After all that happened I felt so so so stupid to be harping on being upset and getting worked up on love and relationships; for I can never choose family like how I can choose a boyfriend - I can never get back the same loving grandfather I had once before.

There are so many things in life that I wasted time and effort on, taking for granted things and people who are much dearer and important to me so it's time to stop. I am looking forward to another new year, with new memories. This year left me too many sad than happy memories, I need a break. On a side note, I really hope I get to do internship overseas at my aunt's friend's company. I've heard he's a huge fruit distributor and I might get to travel around to learn about how fruits are supplied etc, I'm quite stoked and a little scared at the thought of being overseas alone but I won't give up that opportunity for that tiny scaredy part of me, haha.