last of the last

This is my last chance at love.

There is no more what-ifs in our relationship. We will make it work, after a year, 10 years later, 50 years later we will still make it work and keep going. Before we die, I'll tell you 'see, I told you we can work it out'

Not going to lie, I've been through so many relationships and went through the ups and downs in each to the point that I told my parents this is my last relationship and I won't settle for anyone ever again if it fails this time too. Many times I've read through my older posts, I do realize at the numerous 'last chances' I give for love, and yet again life happens - things change, and we all end up being strangers at the very end. Each time I want to settle down with a person, circumstances change and we all end up giving up instead because it's always easier. It's a long and tiring process, to know a person, understand them, trusting they won't turn their backs on you, and etc so no more of such after this relationship. I'm putting it here so the world can pick on me if I'm going back on my words, haha kidding.

It's been only 3 months and I'm enjoying every single bit of the relationship not going to lie *touched my heart* Yes yes yes, it may be just the honeymoon phase but I do also know that it takes both person's effort are going to make things work eventually. After all, we chose the person to be with and it's our choice to love them and stay in love. Both of us had bad experiences with our exes previously so I do appreciate the fact he choose to accept me wholeheartedly and be sensitive to certain things. I don't want to make this a cheesy post but I am just so very blessed and lucky to have found someone like him.

Every single day he wouldn't fail to wake up early to send me to and fro from work with a bottle of hot honey lemon because he wants the best for me, occasionally joins my family for dinner... Well, there was even this week my mom invited him over for dinner almost everyday - which is something super rare and has never happened with my other exes. He always offer to pick me up from wherever I am after a late night's out and even offer to send my friends home; helps me do all the admin stuff I hate like signing up a Starbucks card just so I could use it; gets a hot compress because I told him once I had really bad cramps; buys his own airplane ticket just so he could accompany me for my work trip to KL because I had to go alone; drive out to find me during wee hours just to give me a hug because I was feeling emotionally down; always compliments and assures me randomly for an extra boost to survive throughout the day... there are simply too many things he has done for me even though it's nothing fancy or extraordinary but it's the most heartwarming and comforting feeling that anyone can ever wish for in a relationship.

Lastly, thank you for always wanting to take care of me and ensuring I have the best of the best. Thank you for being an adorable and incredible soul - you've brought so much fun and laughter to my life ever since and I almost forgot the feeling of how shitty it felt from other relationships. You always feel so insecure and small about yourself but please know you are everything to me and we should be each other's cheerleader to get through everything in life. The next few years are going to be our golden moment, we should put aside negativity and look forward to better things planned ahead for us. I'm so excited to do life with you babe. Cheers to the next 50 years together, hahaha.

toxicity

Funny how I was reading back my older posts and I realize how things can change in a split second. One moment I thought I was in a happy place but at the next second, everything ended.

I spent a year together with my ex - whom I blogged about in my previous post and how I was looking forward to many more years ahead with him. Sadly things turned out differently this year - we fought more than usual and I was getting impatient with him, I find myself having to hold back and only allowed to always be on my best self & keep the bad ones to myself etc etc... then, that very day came. He stopped trying, he gave up.

I was completely broken the first few days after the breakup, unsure how am I going to restart and heal. After all, I took a 8 months break from being in a relationship before meeting him and I should have known not to commit to a person whom was not even certain about his future. I knew I couldn't rely on him, and I had to be the one supporting whatever it takes if we managed to make it to the end. But, haha like what people said - love is blind, and indeed I couldn't see how toxic this relationship was eating me from the inside day by day to the point my friends could see how this isn't doing me good.

My temper got worst from the number of fights we had, I had to suck things up whenever he insisted his point was right or even getting misunderstood, being forced to think that my thoughts/opinions are wrong and that his were always right. Don't even get me started how he started to be so obsessed with betting lol ok, that's just some of the reasons why we didn't work I dwna go too much into details because it won't be pleasant and it might sound too one sided. No doubt I still hate how he ended things immaturely because if I had the chance to reply, I would jolly well agree to this breakup and told him I had enough as well and I can be perfectly fine, or I would say, even better without him.

Thanks to the breakup, I feel more like myself. I didn't had to answer to anyone, I could say and feel what I want, I could finally breathe. I didn't have to sleep crying every single time we fight, or wonder when's the next time we are going to fight again. I don't have to do what I don't want to do, I could be out every single weekend with my friends and not be forced to stay home all the time because of him. So much that I sacrificed and compromised, but it wasn't even worth it.

Never am I going to lower myself for a guy like this anymore.

too much to bear

I wish.

I wish that I was filthy rich, not because of my own interest but to help someone I love. I wish I could own that power some people have but misuse them wrongly. So many wishes, and yet I still can't do anything within my limits.

I can never understand how children are brought up to become fine adults, and then they turn their backs on their parents - finding them troublesome when they are getting older, making decision to throw them in nursing homes or some even go into lawsuit to extort money/property from their parents.

Perhaps every family have a story to tell, their own set of problems to deal with that we outsiders may never understand or see this ugly situation in a different light. I'm not one to judge. Yes sometimes, the care and assistance is more sufficient in nursing homes but that should be the next option and not the FIRST. But when it comes to within my own family, I am so utterly disappointed and disheartened when a decision like this happens. As much as I want to hate or dislike the way certain adults act and think, we don't really have a say, and we are not financially stable to have that power to change things and have a different outcome because we are still the children.

How do you go to sleep every night after you throw your parents into a nursing home just because you find them troublesome, or whatever selfish reasons you have? I can't. I can never ever think of wanting to send my parents anywhere as long as I'm still around. How could anyone bear to do that when our parents brought us up since we were little without complaints? I won't even think of considering this option unless I do not have a choice. How would your parents feel when they watch their own children send them away instead of taking care of them if they are able to?

Apologies if this post was a little emotional.

My heart just aches so much after hearing the news.

does it ever?

I came across this on tumblr:

"would 'sorry' ever make a difference? does it ever? it's just a word. one word against a thousand actions."

exactly how a person tells another to 'stay strong' during difficult situations - does it ever make a difference?

because fact is, it doesn't.

how do you expect a person to stay strong when their loved one passed away? how do you expect a person to stay strong when they are helpless towards a situation? how do you expect a person to stay strong after they lost a job that is the main income for their family? how do you expect a person to stay strong when they are feeling completely shattered from a break up? how do you expect a person to stay strong after they've done something they absolutely had no choice to, but had to? how do you expect a person to stay strong after forcing them to cut connections and pull them apart from things/people they love? no. not at all. we can be there for them, to support and help them through, not just telling them to stay strong because fact is, nobody can. we just have to learn to be strong and move on and accept that not everything goes as we planned.

so, even telling the other 'sorry' after hurting them does not help. it doesn't change anything nor it does not help us to feel less shitty. does it ever help heal the after-thoughts? does an apology ever make a person feel better after they invested their love and time but in return, getting betrayed and their hearts broken? does it ever help with emotional wounds/scars after all that has happened? no. ha ha. sometimes don't you wish there was more than just a 'sorry' that a person can do? or that there could be something done than just being 'sorry'? don't you feel unfair at times that whoever hurt you could only tell you he/she's sorry but does nothing and you feel all stranded and helpless? it really sucks. all that has happened in the past few months made me swore to myself that I will never ever tell a person 'i'm sorry' and not even try doing anything to make up for whatever I've said/done that might have hurt them unintentionally; I would rather do something to save the situation and hope they accept my apology because I think, sincerity and effort goes a longer way. so please, don't just keep telling me 'i'm sorry' when that's all you can, and want to do.

or am I wrong?

twist of events

It's funny how much change can happen in a year - the good and the bad. I was scrolling back to my older posts and never did I expected certain things to happen since. I was dealing with the most unexpected and yet, heartbreaking incident from August to late October. I will never forget how much pain I was forced to put through, and how words and promises are conveniently forgotten when something unfortunate happen. On good days, it would be "I'll be here with you forever" but when something bad hits you, I had to walk the path alone bearing regrets and guilt; especially hating the part where I decided to love and trust since the last. I thought I would never say this this time but I was extremely wrong. This time, I fell harder and got more hurt than I ever remembered - thankfully with the mental support and encouragement from my friends, I managed to look ahead and start moving on with life slowly each day; well, at least trying to forget at least. December's ending and I still wouldn't say I've completely moved on. This damage is a huge scar, and I'm still so, so afraid to step out and open my heart once again. I've decided to focus on building up my career since I've finally graduated (yay! best news of the year) and achieve something for myself.

I thought this was bad enough, until I spent the last few moments at the hospital with my grandfather fighting till his very last breath last Sunday 2.30am. I thought it was bearable to deal with but hell no it's not in reality. Every single second was a time bomb, with the doctor coming in to tell us my grandfather won't last through the night. I held his hand and watched the heart rate monitor went from 96 to 88 to 70......... till it became a parallel line; I will never be able to explain the amount of pain I was feeling that night. It felt even more surreal when we had to see the coffin getting pushed in to be cremated; then it hit me I was never going to see my favourite gong gong ever again - the one who bought me a huge doll looking birthday cake when I was 1 year old, the one who bring me on cable car rides, the one who picks me up from kindergarten, the one who buys me the same breakfast set of milo and toasts just like how he likes it, the one who always dote on me more than ever.... even as I'm typing this, I'm fighting against my tears. After all that happened I felt so so so stupid to be harping on being upset and getting worked up on love and relationships; for I can never choose family like how I can choose a boyfriend - I can never get back the same loving grandfather I had once before.

There are so many things in life that I wasted time and effort on, taking for granted things and people who are much dearer and important to me so it's time to stop. I am looking forward to another new year, with new memories. This year left me too many sad than happy memories, I need a break. On a side note, I really hope I get to do internship overseas at my aunt's friend's company. I've heard he's a huge fruit distributor and I might get to travel around to learn about how fruits are supplied etc, I'm quite stoked and a little scared at the thought of being overseas alone but I won't give up that opportunity for that tiny scaredy part of me, haha.